"Hello dear, it's been a long time, what would you like to post about?"

Well people, it's been a while since i've had anything to post in here, i normally post a bit in my "normal journal" but i'm finding an interesting road. The little puppy girl at the back of my head, the one that i thought was slowly dying and stopped screwing me over..

She's back, but not with a vengance.

I won't go into any details or anything about why. I just i'm seeing a new light finally, and i dont understand it completley. It's not a bad light..

I'm just experiencing different things, and finally seeing things differently than i was. Maybe i'm growing up a little..

I was taking some more girly photos for an experiment, and i kinda cried a bit because at one point i've been so used to being more and more boyish in the way i photograph myself..that actually seeing that i could still look like a girl made me feel, not bad or anything..

but it made me feel like you can't trash yourself just because you're moving down another path. Some people can stand it, some people are better off..

But she's not going to die anytime soon, it only serves to prove me wrong about my ways . and burn holes in my existnce if i try to pin her to a wall and stab her to death til she bleeds.

That's the only reason she's a victim.
I make her that way.

Because i seem to dislike her so..
I seem to beat her to the back of my head where she lies crying and crying out for me to recognize she's still there, and while i'm "stronger than that" to listen to her, i realize finally it's time to stop hurting myself.

And if it werent for a few of my friends.. i wouldn't realize this.

Despite my mood, i feel it quite ... fitting to update this one instead of blackdeath, however i will be posting this in both in different ways. (As is the blackdeath version gets posted on GJ)

I'm supposed to love those i'm in a relationship right? --
I'm supposed to be as much into every little thing as they are..
Cuddling, and being exposed to the things that make us giggle and move us into another room correct?
I'm supposed to feel like i'm able to validate my partner's needs emotionally, and not feel like i'm in some sort of void unable to feel a thing.

Well it's that time of the month where i have to try adn constructivley attempte to evaluate my thinking -- Thus trying to improve on various ways of my own life.

I am indeed going on with this "transition" -- so there really is no "need" for a "girl journal" other than the fact its a validation of my constant questioning. So therefore it stays :P.

But i guess my real problem is that how quick i have the emotion to jump into a situation without knowing how i really feel. I got this way ages ago, and ... well. To tell you the truth, it sucks having a psychic girlfriend. It sucks because they can mis-read the things that are flying off your brain. I had her over tonight, and it was cool, but you know you can only give off so many warnings of the way you are before you just want to go "O-o. ok no." .. but i'm very VERY picky about how i treat people, i hate taking advantage of people. (Yet i do it?)

Anyways..

I don't like taking advantage of people emotionally, and i hate being rude -- so i didn't want to spend my time fighting off a bundle of cuddling joy -- because it would be absolutley rude when they feel so much for you. It's almost as if i'm taking advantage of her if i even TRY to feel again. It's not her fault i feel this way, i cant explain it. She keeps saying there's a part of me that can feel more for her-- but it's just VERY i dont know the words to explain it. Basically said, Someone .. namely a couple friends had warned me i was moving a bit fast with this. (in so many words, maybe not those exact ones.)

You jump in, you jump out--

And never knowing what you TRULY feel inside can only scramble the feelings mutually between you and someone else. Yet she tends to take it to the point where i feel the same way. I have enjoyed the freedom of having someone who loves me, but i can't keep on taking advantage of her feelings when my own are nowhere near her level.

(Women are too complex... Women who want to be men are less complex, and men? o-o. stil l dont understand them either. i guess we ftm people are a ring of our own. not to say that any other alternative gender or sexuality isnt, it's just we tend to not understand ourselves, our lives or even our friendships sometimes.. or is that that i'm ADHD? :P i can never remember.)

I think my problem is i'm trying to fall for someone that is a really good friend, and while we shared our first kiss -- the first things that come to mind when thinking of things like that aren't always her. I can't just teach myself not to love another, because it's sickening enough i'm in love with someone i cant have. It only tears my girlfriend apart more to see that i can't have someone, and she in turn can't have me.

Now i say this because she knows the history of my relationships. I haven't had any, the only one i've had? -- Wasn't truly a relationship, y'know it was more me than her, but the girl was cute and i loved her, but she led me by a leash and choked me to death. Somehow i blame this when trying to explain things about the way i feel, yet in the fact i'm not completley over her.. there's someone else who's felt the same thing -- who shall remain nameless before he gives me a weird look. (He knows who he is, :P)

Yet i cannot validate the way my sexuality is -- i cannot BARE in the way i've been in society to even TOUCH the word "BI" lightly. I think it's a joke somedays, like god played a horrible joke on me and told me i couldn't have anyone but one gender. Yet suddenly i'm sinning and liking naother gender...

I can't stand it.
Someone needs to unlock the door to my heart
and damnit, let me love someone i can have..

Cause this is getting to be tiresome.

at this point it's just a mish mash of concentrated issues .. as much as i wanted to stay in my happy mood i got myself into :) ... i came back to one thing. I guess part of my issue is i have people pulling each arm right now, i have people going "Come on justin! YOU CAN DO IT! ... You can get the strength you can pull yourself up and do this." i have others going "You can do that, but how about you move to LA with me, i can help you with your ADHD... and maybe you'll feel better" .. and i have others going "You need to get your ADHD sorted, you need a job... you need this you need that."

... and right now, right now... i need to focus on setting my own mind
at ease, and it's been very VERY hard to do it when i don't know how my
mother would react if i finally told the truth. I don't want to be
talked into something i don't want, my mother is very VERY good at
giving me all the sides and convincing me what's good and what's bad.
Though she does that out of the kindness of her heart, she is very
OVERPROTECTIVE still and since i just turned 24.. it's like "I love you
mom, but my heart wants me to tell you i cant really stand it here, i
can't stand lying to you."

I want to at least get on the testosterone, i suppose that's the thing
with me.. is i may not know until i finally get that stuff swirling
through my veins.

I listen too much to other people and i rely a lot of the time on what
people think, and say about what i am. To this day I'm only starting to
get a handful of on line friends who believe me to be a guy. On the
other hand, some of the people i want to tell, are ones that could make
me feel like i want to turn the tides and quit this journey for fear
they'll throw a head gasket. And thats close family. I grew up in a
fundamentalist church -- charismatic and happy and dancing and clapping
-- almost to their own undoing i suppose. I don't really have a religion
because of all this, i know it's possible to go back and tell a church
I'm trans-- but I've been burnt so bad by the American churches that i
think I'll just stick to being nice and treat people with respect.

Yea i almost wanted to call my friend Kasey and go "look hon, i know
this may come as a surprise to you, but I'm in the process of really
mentally transitioning-- that I'm taking a step to find out really who i
am." she's my best friend, and was nearly like my sister for the last
damn ten years now... LONGER to be truthful.. it's been like since
90'/91' we've known each other. But she has connections to my godfather,
and my dad -- and my mom -- I'm paranoid she'll tell someone. I'm
paranoid about a lot of people lately.

I just wish my mother wouldn't put this bubble wrap
overt-society-protection around me. I realize i can make stupid
financial mistakes... but in the end to be happy i might just have to leave?

anyways heh..
i'm really sorry for blathering on here..
i should keep that for my journal.

-- Justin. (the idiot formerley known as ryan)

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Motor's fried, i dont know if i wrote about it here or my main journal ..
but yea car's dead, and stuck in a town about an horu from home..


lol i'm an idiot cause of this:

- toothpaste, body wash, deoderaant and toiletries are in a pak n' save bag near my backpack IN THE BOOT OF THE FREAKING CAR! :P
- Drawing supplies are in the backpack
- 10-15 hide trading cards are in one of the things in my bag ...
- SLIPPERS IN MY BAG IN THE CAR
- HAIR DRYER IS IN THA CAR
- Did i mention my toothbrush? 8D i had to get new toothbrush across the street XD

hide-chan, btw.. things will start to be ok. you have rob and i, and other friends which i forgot alll their names again :P 8D. God i'm such a great friend lol.

But yes. i'll post a link in my main journal to things you need to see iforgot to send :P

I can admit to this: i actually cried today. I know partially why, or most of why i cried today. And it's just because i keep holding it in, when i go to bed i think everything's ok and the next day will be better than the last. Unforunatley when you're depressed, better is all relative to how you're doing at that very moment. I don't have the medical condition of depression per se, i get it situationally. I can get myself out of it if i just learn some things about myself and pull through. I can usually last about two years of putting it in piles and dealing with it later -- then i break down.

and i guess right now i really don't like where i am because i'm percevied as just as retarded as those with mental conditions and physical conditions - so people stay away from me. They don't like overweight people here, and i can't seem to make friends wherever i go. The friends i have are either younger than me, or older than me.. and the one that is my age? -- let's not go there, he's actually over for dinner tonight and i'm really frustrated at some of his actions already. It's not his fault, he's just catching me in a mood that he probably hasn't seen in years.

I can't beleive that i did cry today, i normally always bring myself to a controllable level here. I always tell myself men don't cry. I guess i am so numb i can't feel anyone. I didn't really enjoy my time out today, i felt like people almost were watching mom and i in some sort of world where we didnt belong.

I want to stop being depressed but i can't put my finger on how to constructivley work on my issues.

I can't clean my slate and move on until i've fixed things. It's like selling a broken house to a million dollar estate owner -- they wont spend the money on a dusty musty asbestos filled home that's falling apart at the seams. I don't want to sell myself to the next part of my life until it's fixed.

I want to stop feeling out of place.

I wanted to post that in here because i had some reason behind why i did it -- and it was a reminder to constructivley change topic temporarily about something else. I'm going to publicly say it in here because well if someone doesnt believe me, i dont care. I'm old 'nough now to be able to handle my own when someone thinks i'm a crock :P

"He doesnt look a thing like jesus, but he talks like a gentleman, just like you imagined when you were young " I need to get this sorted, i have so much swirling around my head about him because of when we started talking via msn and things. It took me so long to beleive him, and now that i finally do -- i got thigns that floated to the surface that i just ignored. The first few times i remember talking after i realized it was him indeed, i remember breaking down and crying like a little kid. I felt really bad for it and still do, because sometimes that stresses him out. I know i'm not the only one in line for all of this -- but then again i dont even count -- because it's his past i fell for. It's not fair on someone if i love them for who they were. It's not like i don't care, i really enjoy him -- he's a great friend and everything-- but laetly things are just getting really stressful and i was having an easy time trying to work and everything. But it feels like my semester break again, even though it's summer and i'm starting a new degree soon.

I just dont understand how i have all this old baggage i have to clear, and i dont want to go to a psychologist, because the ones here just blame anything and everything on my ADHD. And part of the baggage i have they can't take care of because it's unconventional, and it's underworld/underground knowledge that people seriously think is a crock. he's one of my best friends, and i feel like because there's part of me that can't let go of the past and move on, that i've failed him in some way.

You could say i'm obsessed in normal terms, like any 'fan' is. But when you're they're best friend after reincarnation? That throws things into a new perspective now doesn't it? Someone you fell for after they died years ago, and now that you know they've been reincarnated into an oddly enough younger body -- and one that looks similar to what he once did. (And unfortunatley into a body that doesn't work very well even at this young age from what he tells me.)

"But he talks like a gentleman"

I don't know if he really does -- because the side i see, is him around his guy friends. That's because of the fact that's what a good number of my new friends see me as, even if i'm having internal struggle realizing what i really want. I guess this makes it harder to let go, because i can't really see anything else. I'll think of things once in a while like a girl normally does -- and i 'll repeat it to him just to see what he'd say and make it look like i was insane when i thought it.. and he just kinda laughs it off. Fair enough though, he doesn't see me as a girl, and isn't that what i wanted once?

I don't beleive in absolution-- nothing is ever absolute in this world. Nothing is ever black and white, despite me having ADHD and htings ACTING like they are. I dont think even feelings and people are perfectly black and white. thus where i realize that reincarnation doesnt always mean that all of what once was will be there the 2nd time around.

I don't always like to talk about things to people even on messenger, because i get distracted and well -- when i get distracted then i act like nothing's wrong. Something is wrong, and i'm trying to take care of it in a more constructive way.

hide told me i need to apologize to my other journal and myself for abusing it and me lol. After six years of having that journal, it wont TAKE an apology. It'll just flip the bird at me and tell me to get stuffed lol. This one is a more understanding type journal i guess -- i feel i can put more constructive things in here -- write more without people bitching at me.

(peanut gallery: YOU WRITE TOO MUCH!)

I talked to maria earlier about the arms-length situation -- and i guess the biggest thing is just working out what i want still. I enjoy maria, and i think she's great and i like calling her my semi girlfriend -- but i'm just all chicken inside. Maybe i haven't gotten over that sexual assault yet? maybe like everything, my brain controls me and tells me what to do and i just shoved it aside?

Maybe bernadette is right, maybe that could have something to do with my wanting to transition? I dont know, i dont feel it is because i've wanted something like that since before that happened. I'm 24 already, and i got a year to go before i'm 25 and i'm sitting here at 5'5 almost, and 230 lbs or something (i forgot how heavy i am and i havent been weighed in months) and i'm shorter than most natural males, and women. When maria and i get to gether it's like "Ok i'm the short one out here." and yet shes the cuddle-ball. I'm nearly a foot shorter than her, and its not her fault but it kinda makes me feel like the odd one out. It's ok for females to be short and the man to be tall because it makes sense. but for the male to be a foot shorter than the other? i dont know. back to what i was trying to deal with instead of that-- thats more for anotherday.

"Can we climb this mountain i dont know"

I have all these material objects representing him, and i feel like so weird having them but i dont want to get rid of them. He's exactly as people describe him, he's pacifistic, wants to fix the world and make things better. He wants to cure the world of it's ailments. And yoshiki of his estrogen fits which really arent estrogen fits. But that's an inside joke.

I just can't stand seeing him in pain, seeing him unhappy.

But i have to hold it in because 1, when i'm seeing his face now it's not just him i'm talking to, him as a whole now isn't exactly the same person. 2, someone else wants him and i dont want to get in the way. (they're a friend of his, and mine) 3, he sees me as a brother , as a friend ..

so this whole 'brother' complex..

how can i go back to experiencing the norm.. the 'sister' complex? Just to see if this is all what i want. I laugh somewhat because i used to have "DRESS UP" days when i was at tek last year.

I just want to experience things so i know what i want.You told me once 'don't ponder, it's a waste of time' -- well if i can experience things i dont have to ponder what its like. I just wish i could explain to you properly what i wanted.

i guess we don't have the 'time' -- we just have so much work to do on your shop and the community that i shouldn't even be writing in here. I feel bad for even taking weekends off. I feel bad for even coming on board without 'beleving' all the way originally. there's just so much that's always left unsaid.. so much i wish i could say but i dont want to scare you. I won't cry, it's not manly to cry over such trivial things .. such menial things in life i guess. I won't self abuse myself over it because what's the use, i dont even have time for that anymore.

There's just so much i dont understand.

Excuse me while i kiss the sky -- so today has been a little bit of an excersise of self cautioning the music. I've tried the whole look in the mirror -- and for the first time i want to laugh at myself.

The only real feminine PART of me is my hips lol, i can't find my waist because it's like NOT THERE. I have no waist. I have an ass and huge hips. But i have no waist. This like really makes for looking in a mirror to see what you feel -- VERY hilarious. Like you dont know wether to cry or just bust out laughing because it's just as you thought.

I tried to play with my hair -- which with my current haircut is fun only when it's the whole "OMG yay. look it's a puffball of doom" , not when it's "Ah a half pony tail and hairsprayed ringlets like a mexican!" .. sorry, i just know people that used to wear hair like that about 14 years ago. (Showing my age sorry.)

I'm still not sure on all of this, tis quite the fun journey to really personally explore it rather than just "NOT LISTEN" to the "VOICES IN YOUR HEAD" (Aka, not think at all, not even BOTHER to do much other than write forceful messages about the cancerous mounds upon one's chest... ) I mean you know i have choices. *COUGH* everyone has choices -- but my worst issue is being viewed as a copy-cat, and everyone's on this rampage of androgynous bi-genderism. It's intruging. But i dont know where i stand on anything anymore for myself. I mean maria's androgynous .. polyamorous and such -- so i'm learning all about that.

But it just becomes a blur when you're not even looking at everyone around you.

"They say the devils water it aint so sweet" ... hmm, did i mention that music has a poignant stake in my life? I write lyrics, stories -- and many things. I just can't compose for the life of me -- but most of it has some point of form of self expressionism even if it was written for something else. "he doesnt look a thing like jesus ... but he talks like a gentleman" ... i got a sony micro system for my birthday and i'm determined to make the mp3 cd be my bitch and make me happier. I'm a materialism girl somedays, electronics are my toys -- and so are collectibles and comic books. No matter what, if i stay a girl .. i'm still a massive weird geek tomboy lol.

Part of it i guess is just the fact i'm overweight, and i can't tell what i look like at any skinner than what i was in high school, which iwas about 200lbs. I'm determined to be about 50lbs skinnier than that, but it's gonna be a slow ride until i decide what's going where -- and this week we're getting a rowing machine :P -- so there goes that theory of being a semi flabby girl lol.

I need to see if i want to shave my legs and my arms just as a figure to see if it looks ok to me, i need to do it anyways, my leg hair grows in unevenly and looks like osmeone just planted random scalp scratches and then forgot to shave in other places. Maria says my leg hair is oddly cute, and the hair on my chin (THE ONE FUCKING LONG ONE) is not alllowed to go, and the women's mustache has to stay.

tonight the headphones will deliver you the words that i can't say

and with that day two of writing is done. >>; time to go spaz someplace else

Heh. Hi >P

Despite all my depression, I’m going to try and make things a little more centered at seriously figuring things out by constructively questioning things in here. Instead of my usual "OMG YOU SUCK" internal bitching in my usual style back at my other journal.


... I don’t consider this a journal change. There will be no "HAH QUIZ POSTS" or "OMG hide I’m worried that we fucked up on this in the mag" posts here.

If I got a question about something.. I’ll explore it here.

So if you haven't figured out whom I am because I posted myself as female...

Well than that’s your fault :P I don’t even have jrock icons in my repertoire on here!

Well I guess I should do a little bit of exploring on here. I'm now 24; the birthday present to myself is a journal I can make myself a little better with. 24 and still not constructively bringing myself a new light, and a better attitude...nah instead I kinda binge-bought junk shit to eat because I wasn't in a good mood. Thank god it wasn't alcohol :P I’m in a bad enough mood as it is *nervous laugh*

Y'know I think I should start on exploring the one thing that got me into this mess in the first place. I usually go by 'male' around everywhere because that’s what I thought I was internally. And you know, maybe I still am, I just have a few questions laying around my dusty swirly closet of mine. I started asking myself more questions in derogatory manners lately, and I believe that attacked my soul hardcore.

I'm a firm believer in ploughing forth without knowing shit for squat about what I want :P

Thus for 9 years now, I’ve ploughed ahead with pleasing people and being a female, and ploughed for a year towards trying to change that. I’m taking a mini-internal break -- and trying to figure out if this is all real and it's all true.

I have a semi-girlfriend whom I fear for her mental health when I’m around and in a bad mood. She's psychic, and powerful enough I’ll engulf her in a mass-tizzy if I don’t seriously be careful. Semi is to the fact I have to see what I want with myself before I can go further.

Do I believe I’m male? I'm not sure; there is no hardcore proof in this.

I mean I really seriously can’t say wether I do or not, because alot of the people that matter to me when I ask things like this would say no. Would say that I’m just confused and such.

Or worse, but those complaints are for my other journal :P

Bringing myself up to date with my life is a really hard task considering I have a clouded vision of myself and others probably due to my attitude, my anger and a lot of other things. My attention deficit usually plays a card in deciding what is wrong with me and it gets frustrating when it's the easiest excuse in the book.

Expressing myself artistically can make things much worse since I don't always believe my poetry and songs are always entirely my physical feelings or not. Maybe they are maybe they aren’t. That's why I have exploration points.

Pondering is bad, yes. Lol. I get your point hide.

But when a girl realizes she has a few issues she needs to take into stride and stop blinking blankly into a mirror and screaming "WHO AM I" (Which I did two years ago nearly.) instead, I need to stop a moment in-between working -- and in-between being me.. And see what needs to be fixed.

I have to fix everything, and I have to make sure I’m ok.

Atop fixing everyone else.. and making everyone else ok.

And then hiding and sulking in my corner when I’m not ok.

Which is really bad, because I’ve considerably made a rift between many of us in the last five days. I feel like udder crap, but there isn't a whole lot I can say to fix this since it really is my fault.

I don’t like it when I feel dead inside.

Hmm, I guess I don’t have any answers out of this .. And I might need to just cool down and let my junk food settle lol.